A fork in the road

Disclaimer:  The thought of writing this blog brings the anxiety level pretty high, so in addition to my ADD…I may just be all over the place with this update!  Every time I try and prewrite/plan, I just end up with a blank screen, so I’m going for the free flow approach.

I’ve been wrestling with updating the blog for two weeks.  I rang in the New Year pregnant and hopeful, but as the day progressed I was struck with horrible cramps.  Since I was already under couch arrest for the subchorionic bleed, I just figured it was related….but the cramps just got worse.  I promptly called Nurse Alison as soon as Midwest opened on the 2^nd, hoping that they could get me into Bopp before our 3:45 appointment.  The schedule was packed and there was no way of getting in earlier, so she suggested going to the emergency room even though it would a timely and lengthy ordeal, they could start getting me help sooner. 

Now, I’ve been scared crapless  since we started the IVF.  I’ve really worked on having faith over fear, but when you have waited and worked for years on something that finally happens, it’s scary as heck.  While I knew I need to remain calm and keep runt in a stress free environment, it wasn’t always easy.  Thank God that Joe has the ability to talk me down when I’m in a code red hot mess mode.  With these cramps and Alison’s concern…I was just scared my worst fear was about to happen.

Joe got stuck talking to the registration desk because there was no way I was going to be able to have any rational conversation.  We’d texted parents and close friends for prayer, but my blood pressure was still 147/94 when they checked me in.  The nurses and doctor were very caring and sympathetic, and tried being optimistic initially.  They were able to give me some morphine, which quickly helped with the pain and some of the anxiety.  They took a lot of blood, had me go potty, and did the shortest “exam” a girl has ever had.  The fear and grief was setting in before anyone gave us an official “diagnosis.” 

I’m used to ultrasounds, thanks to many years of fertility treatments…I can find follicles and my lining pretty quick.  I’m used to seeing the screen, but the sweet girl doing this ultrasound didn’t let me see.  Joe saw the screen, but was quiet.  After she left, I had to potty and that’s where and when reality hit.  Our little runt was in heaven and what had been our dream coming true was crashing down.  We cried…that’s about all I remember.  The doctor finally came back to let us know that I had miscarried and she’d talked to Alison and Dr. Bopp.  Not long after the doctor left, Pastor Glenn showed up.  Of course, Sue Lynn had called church to get the prayers going when I had text her.  Glenn had sent us a couple cards of encouragement and prayers that we kept in the IVF binder so I really appreciated him taking time to come and visit.  He sat and prayed with us, offering words of condolence, support, and encouragement.

We finally were able to go home around 11:30, about 3 hours after checking in.  They were kind enough to give me another dose of medicine to send me in some physical comfort.  The rest of the afternoon is a blur between medicine, hormones, and emotion.  I was able to see Terrie that evening and talk about everything that had happened, but I don’t think all the emotions had hit me just yet.  One thing I do remember and still think about from time to time is our little runt up in heaven and can totally see my Grandma Tinkle rocking the baby.  I’m sure she also has something other than runt that she calls him!  It may seem silly to some, but it’s the truth and it helps knowing our little angel is surrounded by Jesus and our family.

I took the first two days after break and the miscarriage off to physically and emotionally rest.  Words cannot express how thankful I am for the girls at school, they are amazing women!  I never had to worry about things at school because they had it covered and they were covering me in love and prayer.  We were treated to Olive Garden takeout one evening so that Joe could have a break from pizza.  Just love my preschool peeps and munchkins!

Last week, I was with the munchkins for three days because we met with Dr. Bopp on Thursday.  Dr. Bopp and Nurse Alison are just amazing.  In every step we’ve been through with them, they both have always been so encouraging, supporting, and caring.  Dr. Bopp called the afternoon of the miscarriage while I was napping, so this was the first we’d talked with him.  The fact he said, Hey Jonesy, in the hall before we sat down just affirmed that I was in the right hands!  It’s those little things.  As Joe had been saying since our positive pregnancy test, this was the farthest that we’ve been.  We finally knew we could get pregnant.  Our options include medicines, we could do IUI, or we could do IVF again.  We know I respond well and now we know we can get pregnant.  Dr. Bopp and Alison both said there was nothing we could have done, this early it was just God saying the baby wouldn’t have made it.  While the rational part of my brain knew that, the hot mess part still feels guilty from time to time.

What’s next for the Jones’ journey to baby?  It’s going to be a few months before we figure that out.  Between the IVF and the miscarriage, my body has to recover from a lot.  Only God knows what’s in store!  Our journey isn’t over; we are just at a rest stop at a fork in the road.  Everyone knows I always have to stop and potty! 

For now, it’s back to life as usual at the Jones’ house.  Granted, that is including hot mess Sarah meltdowns more frequently!  Again, Joe is a saint for dealing with me!  Just pray for us as we hang out and take a break.  I have no regrets about what we’ve done or what we’ve shared.  Miscarriage is like infertility, nobody talks about it.  It just took me two weeks to be ready to.  We are so appreciative and blessed with family and friends that stick with us!

Love,

Sarah & Joe