A meaningful date and a Cade Fundraiser

Our angel baby tattoos-a meaningful and emotional date night

Since my last very ADD blog post, life has been moving at the Jones' house.  I've always said I wanted to get a tattoo, but chickened out.  After our miscarriage, I found the sweetest angel baby tattoo on Pinterest and told Joe this one I wouldn't back out on.  Granted, I was nervous and really afraid I was going to cry either because it hurt or because of what it was remembering.  It didn't feel good while it happened, but after it was over I was so thankful to have a concrete way to remember and honor what we'd been through and lost.  Mine is on my shoulder and Joe's is on his chest.  It was definitely the most memorable and meaningful date nights we have had.  

As far as the grief process and moving on, each day it has gotten better.  There was a week or two when I came face to face with my angry phase I thought I'd worked through already.  Sometimes it's just hard to see people with little ones that don't appreciate the blessings they have or aren't taking responsibility for the life they created.  Some days, it's just irritating and gets to me...after all that we have been through and done to have a child, it's so easy for some people.  I know that God has a plan, but He knows I'm still human and am going to have my moments!

Joe spent the start of February working a lot at the furniture store, so I was excited when we got to go on a fun date night to see Impractical Jokers at Ball State.

Impractical Jokers Date Night...lots of laughs

We have a fundraiser coming up this week for the Cade Foundation.  We were so blessed to receive a grant from them, but are continually blessed by the support we still receive.  Whether it's an e-mail to check in or a phone call to chat, the support we receive means more than words could say.  We will be part of the Cade family and when we have our baby...how and when we don't know...we know that Camille and Heidi will be leading a cheering section from Baltimore.  As much as it pains me to admit, they are the reason I had to cheer for Baltimore in the Super Bowl.  Please don't revoke my Colts fan card.
If you or someone you know lives in Grant County, please tell them to eat at the Marion Applebee's on Wednesday (February 27) between 4-9:00 pm.  By presenting the flyer, 15% of your dinner check will go towards the Cade Foundation and helping other families overcoming.  I will be there for the duration with information about the Cade Foundation and applications for the 2014 Family Building Grant.
Pray that when the time comes we will know how to move ahead with building our family.  Right now, I'm just counting the blessings we have!  Joe Jones is a pretty awesome fella!  Life has been so focused on the IVF, appointments, and procedures...it's wonderful to just hang out and enjoy being us.
Have a blessed week and eat at the Marion Applebee's on Wednesday!
Love,
Sarah & Joe

A fork in the road

Disclaimer:  The thought of writing this blog brings the anxiety level pretty high, so in addition to my ADD…I may just be all over the place with this update!  Every time I try and prewrite/plan, I just end up with a blank screen, so I’m going for the free flow approach.

I’ve been wrestling with updating the blog for two weeks.  I rang in the New Year pregnant and hopeful, but as the day progressed I was struck with horrible cramps.  Since I was already under couch arrest for the subchorionic bleed, I just figured it was related….but the cramps just got worse.  I promptly called Nurse Alison as soon as Midwest opened on the 2^nd, hoping that they could get me into Bopp before our 3:45 appointment.  The schedule was packed and there was no way of getting in earlier, so she suggested going to the emergency room even though it would a timely and lengthy ordeal, they could start getting me help sooner. 

Now, I’ve been scared crapless  since we started the IVF.  I’ve really worked on having faith over fear, but when you have waited and worked for years on something that finally happens, it’s scary as heck.  While I knew I need to remain calm and keep runt in a stress free environment, it wasn’t always easy.  Thank God that Joe has the ability to talk me down when I’m in a code red hot mess mode.  With these cramps and Alison’s concern…I was just scared my worst fear was about to happen.

Joe got stuck talking to the registration desk because there was no way I was going to be able to have any rational conversation.  We’d texted parents and close friends for prayer, but my blood pressure was still 147/94 when they checked me in.  The nurses and doctor were very caring and sympathetic, and tried being optimistic initially.  They were able to give me some morphine, which quickly helped with the pain and some of the anxiety.  They took a lot of blood, had me go potty, and did the shortest “exam” a girl has ever had.  The fear and grief was setting in before anyone gave us an official “diagnosis.” 

I’m used to ultrasounds, thanks to many years of fertility treatments…I can find follicles and my lining pretty quick.  I’m used to seeing the screen, but the sweet girl doing this ultrasound didn’t let me see.  Joe saw the screen, but was quiet.  After she left, I had to potty and that’s where and when reality hit.  Our little runt was in heaven and what had been our dream coming true was crashing down.  We cried…that’s about all I remember.  The doctor finally came back to let us know that I had miscarried and she’d talked to Alison and Dr. Bopp.  Not long after the doctor left, Pastor Glenn showed up.  Of course, Sue Lynn had called church to get the prayers going when I had text her.  Glenn had sent us a couple cards of encouragement and prayers that we kept in the IVF binder so I really appreciated him taking time to come and visit.  He sat and prayed with us, offering words of condolence, support, and encouragement.

We finally were able to go home around 11:30, about 3 hours after checking in.  They were kind enough to give me another dose of medicine to send me in some physical comfort.  The rest of the afternoon is a blur between medicine, hormones, and emotion.  I was able to see Terrie that evening and talk about everything that had happened, but I don’t think all the emotions had hit me just yet.  One thing I do remember and still think about from time to time is our little runt up in heaven and can totally see my Grandma Tinkle rocking the baby.  I’m sure she also has something other than runt that she calls him!  It may seem silly to some, but it’s the truth and it helps knowing our little angel is surrounded by Jesus and our family.

I took the first two days after break and the miscarriage off to physically and emotionally rest.  Words cannot express how thankful I am for the girls at school, they are amazing women!  I never had to worry about things at school because they had it covered and they were covering me in love and prayer.  We were treated to Olive Garden takeout one evening so that Joe could have a break from pizza.  Just love my preschool peeps and munchkins!

Last week, I was with the munchkins for three days because we met with Dr. Bopp on Thursday.  Dr. Bopp and Nurse Alison are just amazing.  In every step we’ve been through with them, they both have always been so encouraging, supporting, and caring.  Dr. Bopp called the afternoon of the miscarriage while I was napping, so this was the first we’d talked with him.  The fact he said, Hey Jonesy, in the hall before we sat down just affirmed that I was in the right hands!  It’s those little things.  As Joe had been saying since our positive pregnancy test, this was the farthest that we’ve been.  We finally knew we could get pregnant.  Our options include medicines, we could do IUI, or we could do IVF again.  We know I respond well and now we know we can get pregnant.  Dr. Bopp and Alison both said there was nothing we could have done, this early it was just God saying the baby wouldn’t have made it.  While the rational part of my brain knew that, the hot mess part still feels guilty from time to time.

What’s next for the Jones’ journey to baby?  It’s going to be a few months before we figure that out.  Between the IVF and the miscarriage, my body has to recover from a lot.  Only God knows what’s in store!  Our journey isn’t over; we are just at a rest stop at a fork in the road.  Everyone knows I always have to stop and potty! 

For now, it’s back to life as usual at the Jones’ house.  Granted, that is including hot mess Sarah meltdowns more frequently!  Again, Joe is a saint for dealing with me!  Just pray for us as we hang out and take a break.  I have no regrets about what we’ve done or what we’ve shared.  Miscarriage is like infertility, nobody talks about it.  It just took me two weeks to be ready to.  We are so appreciative and blessed with family and friends that stick with us!

Love,

Sarah & Joe

Another good day!!

Man, I thought this day was never going to get here!  In the binder, the page about pregnancy tests says proceed with cautious optimism until an ultrasound with a heartbeat....today was the big day.  Since I have a tendency to bury the lead...we have one embryo with a heartbeat!
Now, back to the events of the day!  :)Dr. Bopp and Alison were both on vacation, so we saw Dr. Colver today.  (I've now had interactions with all doctors at Midwest and have nothing but positive to say about all of them.)  We left a little before nine, not knowing for sure how the roads were going to be.  
Thanks to my wonderful sister Joy for giving me Sea Bands years ago!  Since we rode the Metro in DC I have bouts of car sickness, and not so much is Dramamine an option these days.  These little wrist bands really work!  (Saltines, Sprite, and gum also helps)
We rolled into Carmel around 10:20...our appointment wasn't until 11:45.  When I called to see how the schedule looked, Kim said it was pretty packed so go have breakfast.  Someone was starving so we ate McDonald's before we left Muncie.  Rather than drive around pointlessly, we headed to Midwest.  The couch is pretty comfy and we have plenty of entertainment on our phones.  
Dr. Colver said I'm measuring a little smaller than expected.  By the calculations, I am 6 weeks and 6 days today.  However, our little runt (new name for the Tic Tac) is measuring at 6 weeks and 1 day.  The heartbeat is appropriate for his size.  We go back next Wednesday for another ultrasound with Dr. Bopp.  No more couch potato living for me!

Working on this one!

It never ceases to amaze me and make me feel blessed when we get outpourings of support, prayers, and well wishes on Facebook.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can't imagine going through all this without an amazing support system.  It makes sense why people don't share their infertility struggles or early pregnancy stuff...it's emotional, it's scary...it's just draining.  While today was super exciting, I can't lie.  I was still scared after we left the doctor.  After seven years of trying to get pregnant, we finally did it...and it's scary.  Each trip to the doctor involves anxiety, which is another reason why I am so thankful for everyone that prays us through it.  Thankfully Joe is always the calm, voice of reason that keeps under control.  I've got my mustard seed and am really working on letting my faith be bigger than my fears.  God has brought us down this road for a reason, so I just need to remember that!
So, thanks for all the prayers!  Please continue to pray that our little runt grows and the heart beat is even stronger next week.  Pray for me to work on the faith over fear thing.  Pray for Joe as he deals with me, my hormone changes, and the interesting joys of pregnancy!  (Who knew a girl could be even gassier!)
We hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!  Have a safe and blessed New Year!
Love,
Sarah & Joe

Adventures in couch arrest

Let's start with me dropping some knowledge...my issue is a subchorionic bleed!  The only reason I know that is Alison wrote it in one of my many e-mails checking in with her, but figure I would take a second to use a medical term.  One thing I can say without hesitation is the staff at Midwest is amazing!  Alison has been key to my mental health, answering every question and reassuring me.  (She's on vacation this week, so we shall see what nurse gets the joy of my calls!)
While under couch arrest, I missed Polar Express day and the programs.  Wearing my cute pajamas at home with the cats wasn't as fun as pajama day at preschool.  What am I doing...a whole lot of nothing!  I have watched numerous episodes of FRIENDS, Big Bang Theory, and Sex and the City.  I've also fallen in love with the show Girls!  Thankfully Pinterest can also provide hours of mindless entertainment and some good ideas for when I return to Munchkin Land.  I have done a lot of searching in the Bible for verses on faith.  Every time I use my phone as a Bible, I think about how Grandma Tinkle would be so fascinated.  It's so easy to be scared about what's going on and think about all the "what if" scenarios.  That's the time I start searching for a verse or turn on Pandora.  The traditional hymn station always brings me some peace and makes me think of hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa when I was little.
I consider myself a fairly social being, so being home alone without anyone to talk to can be a little rough.  The cats aren't great conversationalists, but they do like to snuggle and take shifts on the couch.  As with everything along this journey, I'm so thankful and blessed when I hear from someone.  Just a little message checking in, a random text, a phone call,  and/ or saying "I'm praying for you guys," really means a lot.  I've come to appreciate the little things!
At the Race for the Family, Tinina told me to remember to have a mustard seed of faith!  Steph got me a mustard seed bracelet that I've carried with me since.  It really helps to have a concrete reminder to have the faith!  (The Cade Foundation is named after Tinina, who carried her daughter Camille's triplets for her...amazing story if you haven't heard)
More updates will be coming on Thursday!  Please continue to pray for our little tic tac to continue to grow and stay put.  Pray that the bleeding stays away and that eventually I will get to move off the couch.  Please pray that our ultrasound on Thursday shows a healthy heartbeat!
Have a wonderful Christmas with your families!  Thanks for the love and prayers!
Sarah & Joe

Back to bed rest

Hello again bed rest!  I haven't missed you too much.  It's been a few crazy days.  Saturday I had a meltdown because I was spotting a little.  I called the on call number, and Dr. Reuter called back quickly.  She said to take it easy, push lots of fluids, and relax.  If there was still concern, I was to  call Bopp on Monday.  Of course, I called Monday morning.  Nurse Alison said they could do another HCG for my sanity.  Thankfully I work with amazing women who said to go and they would hold down the fort.  (My preschool peeps are awesome and help keep me from being stressed about school work). Alison may have put a rush on my order because I had results before the afternoon kiddos arrived.  HCG was 1792!  Increasing just the way it should.  Whew.  Some peace of mind until about 8 last night.  I started cramping and had more than just a little spotting.  Insert full blown Sarah meltdown.  I was scared to death something bad was happening!  That fear lingered this morning until I talked to Alison and she said to come down for an ultrasound and they would work me in.  Thankfully, I am married to a man who can tolerate me as I am and reassure and encourage me!  Alison greeted us and took my blood pressure...140/90.  Seriously why do doctors check that when you're a hot mess?!  Alison and another girl came in for the ultrasound.  I was in tears when they walked in, can't lie!  We were able to see one sac, right where it is supposed to bed!  Praise The Lord! There's another spot, of course I can't remember the medical term, that is causing the bleeding. The pregnancy is safe, but this could put it at risk...enter bed rest again!  I am one with the couch until further notice.  We want the bleeding and cramping to stop, and from the ultrasound it looks hopeful.  From Saturday to now, I had just shared my drama with just a few people that I knew would keep us in their prayers.  Today, I decided I needed to update everyone since so many people have prayed us this far!  It's scary because a lot happens I the first trimester, and most folks opt to keep their pregnancy on the down low until the first 12 weeks are done.  However, when you are publicly sharing your infertility and IVF journey, you gotta shoot it straight!  Please continue to pray for us as we take it easy and wait until the 27th when we will be able to hear the heartbeat.  Pray that my hormones simmer a tad so we won't have major meltdowns.... They are tiring!  I'm really working on my mustard seed of faith to move these mountains.  It makes me sad to miss Polar Express day and the Christmas program, but right now I have to come first and be thankful that I work with amazing women who steer the ship and send me pictures!  I am so thankful that we have a support system ready to have our backs at a moment's notice!
Until the next time, thanks for the love and prayers!  Please keep them coming.  Being still is hard for my ADD self, but right now it's what I have to do!
Love,
Sarah

A little anniversary rambling

Our wonderful wedding party

Happy anniversary to my dearest husband!  Today we celebrate eleven years of marriage.  Every year, I break out my tiara and the wedding DVD.  Yup, it's my princess day!  Our wedding was the princess day I wanted, and am so thankful that things only got better from there.  We started our life together surrounded by friends and family that always encouraged and supported us.  Today, we still are so blessed to have the amazing support system we started with.  The support has changed courses as we've grown older, but we know we've always got each other and that a lot of people are in our corner.  You may think I'm crazy, but infertility is one thing that made our marriage stronger.  I can see where it will make or break your marriage.  It's physically, emotionally, and financially draining.  Here we are, seven years after hoping to expand our family...we made it.  While the love, prayers, and words of encouragement get me through each day, shot, test, procedure...the one person that I couldn't function without is Joe.  From the Clomid crazy, procedures, surgeries, negative tests, other friends and family getting pregnant, to IVF....Joe has always been the voice of calm and reason.  When I panic and freak, he can talk me off the edge.  If I cry, he holds me and reminds me it will be okay.  When I need a little common sense or get to off task, he's there.  I just could go on and on.  Figured it was a good day to give Joe Jones the shout out he deserves for being such an awesome guy!

Young love ;)

God Gave Me You
Last Thursday, I went for another HCG test.  Nurse Allison said he would keep checking until there was more than just that 2/3 increase I'd had.  Going to school with my girls and my munchkins made waiting for test results much more tolerable!  My level was 430, up from the 221, and the increase that meant we could finally schedule the ultrasound.  Praise the Lord!  We will go for our ultrasound on the 27th @ 11:45.  This is the big moment where we will be able to move past our guarded optimism phase after seeing a heartbeat.  (This may be the most memorable Christmas ever!)  They did check my thyroid level, which was a little high.  My medicine has been adjusted, so now we just need to pray it goes back to between 1-2.  (It's 6 now)  Please continue to pray that our little tic tac keeps growing!
I can't ask for prayers for us without feeling a little selfish.  The heartbreaking shooting yesterday is just horrific.  As a teacher, I can't imagine.  Please pray for the kids, the families of the victims, the school, and the community.  It just makes me sick to think about.  It really puts things into perspective.  I know I will be loving on my munchkins at school on Monday a little more than usual!
As always, thanks for the love and prayers!
Sarah

Test anxiety and guarded optimism

Tests stress me out...giving them, taking them, just the word!  One of the many joys of preschool includes no more ISTEP and that anxiety.  However, waiting for the results from your first blood pregnancy test brings a whole new meaning to test anxiety.
We were able to change our testing days to Friday & Sunday, that way Joe could be with  me when we got "the call."  I'd been relatively sane while staying home and modeling the life of the kitties....until Thursday.  I'm not sure if it was hormones, general anxiety, or just a moment of total crazy...it was a total meltdown.  The reality of our pregnancy test set in and exactly what it meant hit.  There was some ugly crying, but Kitty, Baby, and Dude don't mind.  After about a half hour of crying like a wild woman and telling God how scared I was, I finally returned to normal.  Nothing beats a good cry and a nap!
Friday morning was the day!  I woke up at 3, and slept on and off until 6 when I did my progesterone.  Thankfully, I woke up at 7 in time for us to throw on clothes and hit the road.  Bless Joe for driving, because I'm pretty sure I slept most of the way to Bopp's.  We were at Midwest for maybe 10 minutes tops.  Just enough time to check in and get blood drawn.  Then, we had to wait....
The plan was to keep busy in Indy rather than just come home and stare at the phone.  We ventured to Target (for a potty stop) and Trader Joe's parking lot.  (Plan was to stock up on wine at Trader Joe's if results were negative)  After sitting in the parking lot (nope, we didn't go in), Joe decided we might as well head home because sitting in the car wasn't doing us any good.
Grandma always said a watched pot never boils, and I can add that a watched phone never rings!  We were about two blocks from home when the phone rang.  I think I could have thrown up!  Dr. Bopp called and said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant."  The rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur, but I remember asking him if he was serious and he said we could have some sparkling cider.  My HCG level was 75, which was above the 50 we needed for a positive!  I knew we would test two days later and that the number needed to go up.  He said it needed to go up 66%, and I was quite proud that I did the math on my own to figure out we needed a 125.
Needless to say, we were pretty emotional after that phone call.  For seven years, we have been waiting and hoping to hear, "You're pregnant," and the moment finally came.  The afternoon was filled with tears of joy (not ugly ones!) and a lot of thankfulness.

"These are the Special Times"

Last night at church, I made sure to thank God for the miracle of Christmas and our little miracle in the making.  
Today was less anxiety and stress than Friday, but still a little because they say to proceed with guarded optimism until we have the ultrasound and see the heartbeat.
The nurse called today with our results, the level was 126.  Just the increase Bopp said we needed.  It freaked me out for a bit because Bopp wants to a 3rd beta on Tuesday to make sure the HCG is still rising.  Bless Joe's heart for always being the calm and sane one reminding me that the increase was exactly what we needed...time to be happy and not freak out!  
My plan was to go back to my munchkins and my peeps at preschool on Tuesday, but why I keep thinking I should make my own plans...I dunno!  I am so blessed that the girls I work with are so encouraging and supportive.  "Take the day, don't worry, we got this!"  I really miss my girls and my kiddos, but figure another day home taking it easy can't hurt.  I'm also really thankful that not only do they tell me not to worry about school, they encourage me and pray for us!
We have amazing family and friends that have been with us for the journey and continue to have our back Jack.  Please continue to pray that our little embryo(s) stay implanted and keep growing.  My hormone levels need to keep rising and I need to continue to remain sane and calm until returning to my munchkins on Wednesday...I hope!
As always, thanks for the love and prayers!  They've helped us get this far!
Love,
Sarah & Joe