Not what we were hoping for....

"Held" by Natalie Grant

 

That's all that I've come up with so far after staring at the computer for thirty minutes.  One of my friends who continues to encourage me introduced me to the song, "Held," after the miscarriage after our first IVF.  It still holds true.  Alright, I'm going to start back at Monday.  Bear with me if I'm even more random than normal, a little ADD, emotion, and grief may equal no real sequence.

We set out Monday morning for Dr. Morris once again.  Anxiety and emotion were flying high and we managed to get there an hour early.  (I really wasn't speeding that much on the way up!)  Since we were just there for a blood test, it was a super quick trip and they got us in.  I think the day of the pregnancy test may be the scariest part of the whole IVF process.  I can handle the injections and procedures, but the waiting can make you bonkers!  Our game plan was just to head straight home after the blood draw.  We made the occasional potty stops of course and finally ate lunch in Anderson.  That's progress from our first IVF when we couldn't go anywhere in public while we were waiting.  As we got closer to home, "God Gave Me You," came on K-Love and I experienced breakdown #1 of the day.  It's so fitting, we have been through way too many ups and downs and Joe continues to be my rock and helps me stay somewhat sane.

They had told us the nurse would call when the results came back, but that it wouldn't be until late afternoon.  Can we just say the clock was moving even slower?!  As I was unlocking the door to home, the phone rang.  It was negative, my HCG was only 3.2.  Anything under 5 is considered negative and they don't retest.  I'm not sure devastated would be the word, there just aren't any words to explain it.  I was so sure that this was going to be our time, we had been blessed with this IVF cycle, it just seemed like a healthy baby was going to be the picture perfect way to wrap up the story.  Nope, nothing, not even a glimmer of hope.  Everything is pretty blurry after that except for Joe holding me while I sobbed and reassuring me that we did everything that we were supposed to.  There was guilt after the miscarriage and there was guilt after finding out our embryos didn't stick.  I think it's human nature to rethink every move you made or any thing you did...if only there was an answer for why.  Granted, I had listened to the sermon about avoiding the "what if" scenarios of life but in this situation there was no way to avoid it. 

The thing about infertility is it can be a vicious cycle or roller coaster.  Things seem to fall into place, go smoothly, and you're filled with hope that this is going to be the cycle that leads you to a healthy baby.  I'm pretty sure we had the most prayed for embryos to date.  I was holding out hope, and then the harsh reality of a phone call shattered it once again.

Since I've blogged and updated pretty much a play by play for this cycle, I knew I needed to let our family and friends know the results weren't what we wanted.  We would need different prayers now, prayers of peace and comfort as we grieve.  I really hope everyone knows how much the love and prayers have really gotten us through this and will continue to get us through.  I'm also super thankful for Pastor Glenn at church who provides encouragement, support, and prayers.  (I started going to Union Chapel with mom to save her gas driving to Marion, and I'm so thankful to be there!!)

What's next on our journey?  Who knows!  It's time to step back and just enjoy each other.  I've already taken advantage of some positives- real coffee, real diet coke, a glass of wine, and my ADD medicine!  You have to count the small blessings when your heart has been broken.  I'm super excited for a motorcycle ride with my handsome husband very soon.  Monday I will return to my munchkins and just tell them I was sick but missed them.  Hugs from some of my favorite little people will be good for the soul!  Some days I do get frustrated, I've been called to be a teacher and love children.  Not being able to have our own can be a bigger burden at times, but at the same time I'm blessed to have so many little people to love on while we wait for our blessing! 

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We faced a loss and need to go through the grieving process.  We will continue to support and share about the Cade Foundation.  They have helped us attempt two IVF cycles to start a family and we are so thankful.  We continue to receive love and support from them.  National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up, so it will be another chance to share our story and speak out about infertility.  It's such an exhausting, intimate, and emotional disease to overcome.  While there are times I'm sure I overshare, I just want others to see and know that they aren't alone.  I cannot fathom the hot mess I would be without an amazing husband, strong faith, and a huge support system!  It breaks my heart to think of others who face infertility alone.

This showed up in my timeline on Facebook, just a perfect reminder for me!  We will share and update as we have anything to share.  Just know we are feeling the love and prayers and greatly appreciate them!

Love,

Sarah and Joe

Really going to work on this one!





Waiting...

If I paid myself $1 for every time I've reminded myself of this verse over the past week, I'd be rich!  The progesterone shots in the booty may be uncomfortable, but waiting from embryo transfer to the first blood test...it can be painful!  Tomorrow morning we venture up to Dr. Morris for our first blood test.  Please pray for a high HCG, below 5 is negative, we are aiming for above 50.  This will be the first stop, after tomorrow the test will hopefully be repeated every 2-3 days to monitor the HCG number increasing.  Yes, we are driving 4 hours and 40 minutes for one blood test that has the potential to change our lives.  It's worth it.  ;)
I'm thankful that we are covered in prayer.  The past few days have been rough.  While I'm really working on having faith and looking forward, I'm not perfect and have caught myself in the "what if" or "last time we did this..." scenarios in my head.  Thankfully, I've got a couple sermon podcast saved that remind me not to focus on the what if's and to fear not!  We've been doing the Transformed series at church and it has been fabulous and just what I needed right now.  I'm pretty sure I've listened to the one about stressed to blessed a billion times since last weekend!  (Maybe not a billion, but I've lost count!)  I've also got, "Don't Give Up," "Change Your Life by Changing Your Mind," and "How to Deal with How You Feel" that are playing on a loop! 
On Saturday nights, mom and I sit with the same group of people.  It's our little Saturday night family.  Last night, two of the ladies prayed over me and it was just what I needed.  I'd been teetering on the hot mess wagon off and on, and having some faithful friends pray over me gave me the peace I was in major need of!  Well, today I hopped back on the hot mess wagon in full force.  Joe loves hashbrown casserole, I don't so when I make that for him I make chicken and noodles for me.  Off to Marsh after lunch (and two hours for a dumb oil change at stupid Walmart) to get groceries to be a good little woman and cook dinner.  My ADD self often forgets things, add some hormones and anticipation...it was bound to happen that I would forget a minor ingredient for hash brown casserole.  Yup, I forgot the hash browns.  As soon as I park the car, a major meltdown erupts.  I told Joe I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow, he told me to take a nap!  (He really has amazing patience with me)  Being the good guy he is, I curled up in the recliner while he ventured back out for hashbrowns.  Just another day on the emotional roller coaster of infertility! 
Please pray for our safe travels tomorrow.  We are praying for a positive pregnancy test that leads us to a healthy baby.  I'm going to need a lot of prayers in focusing on the future and not "what happened last time."  Joe could use some extra prayers as he has to not only wait for the results, but deal with the hormonal mess that is me!  I'm planning on updating tomorrow night, but make no promises.  Regardless of what happens, tomorrow is going to be an emotional day! 
Thanks for the love and prayers!
Sarah and Joe

From the transfer to the couch

Greetings from the couch!  I'm really not sure why I'm just updating about how the transfer went, I've not had much else to do.  I've got to start off by thanking everyone for their prayers, words of encouragement, and love.  Going through IVF is a physically and mentally draining adventure, I can't imagine not having so many friends and family supporting us!  It makes me extra thankful when I think about how hard it is for people to share about their infertility journey.  If you're reading this blog, you've been able to see how it is really an intimate and emotional process.  Pray for those couples facing infertility but aren't comfortable sharing their story!  I pray that by sharing our story, we are helping other couples get the feeling they aren't alone.
Saturday morning we got up early so we can travel our familiar road.  We started off having breakfast with J2.  We arrived at PJ and Kevin's to see Gramma, Grampa, and Aunt Kristi.  I'm thankful that we were able to spend our "waiting for transfer time" with family.  After Jack's soccer game, the Flora family arrived!  Pizza, Uno, and family...just what the doctor ordered!  Love my niece and nephew! (and their parents of course)  PJ and I had movie night while Joe snored on the couch, yeah for finally seeing Frozen!
Once again, we set our alarms for Sunday to get there on time for the transfer.  Our appointment was at 9:15 so thankfully we didn't have to be up before sunrise.  Finally, we were blessed with a sunny drive and not much traffic...so we arrive about forty minutes early.  In being honest and opinion, I can't leave out one little thing...my meltdown in the car.  We were parked, Joe said are you okay, and I burst into tears.  While I'd been working on staying positive, having hope, etc.  I finally had a moment where the fears came out my eyes.  Joe said it was too late to go back now.  (Have I mentioned how awesome my husband is?!)  After I composed myself, we crossed the street. 
Well, the problem came when there was nobody at the surgery center desk or upstairs in the office.  I double checked our appointment time, we made countless trips up and down stairs, and paced around the waiting room.  Right at 9:15, new Nurse Alison came out.  The front desk staff wasn't able to make it in and she was the only nurse.  We had kept missing her when she would peek out.  (It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't still traumatized from the day we were left waiting for the OB two hours during a Clomid cycle!  I'm a bit paranoid!!) 
Alison got us all settled in.  There were two other couples scheduled and we all had arrive around the same time.  While I was able to eat and drink for the embryo transfer, I couldn't potty.  The full bladder helps with the ultrasound when they transfer the embryos.  Bless Joe...if I can't potty, he didn't potty!  I rocked my cute hospital gown, my lucky Colts socks under their slipper socks, and Joe got to wear his head to toe outfit.  We didn't take a picture since he was wearing the same shirt as our last transfer day.  Dr. Morris came in to go over our embryo development, he was a little disappointed that we didn't have more fertilize than we did.  (I didn't tell him I had friends praying specifically for two blastocyst embryos!!)  We had two blastocysts, one was graded AC and one was BC.  The A and B refer to the inner part of the cell, the C grades the outer membrane.  Dr. Morris said he'd rather have the higher score on the inner cell, so that made me feel better.  We were wheeled back and I got strapped in.  Knowing how wiggly I am, the fact he has Velcro straps for the legs is probably a safe bet.  In the room we have Dr. Morris, a nurse, Joe, me, and two ladies from the lab.  Joe was at my head and the nurse manned the ultrasound, pressing so nicely on my full bladder!  It took them a minute to load the embryos, he said that it's hard to catch them in the petri dish.  Dr. Morris uses a catheter to transfer the embryos.  It's cool to be able to watch on the screen.  You can't see the embryos, but you can see him safely place them in the uterus.  Praise the Lord, I can potty!  Dr. Bopp had told us you can't pee them out, poop them out, cough them out, or walk them out...which I kept telling myself! 
After relief, it was time to lay flat and let the embryos settle and time to take a selfie!  (That song may be the worst thing I've heard and Sirius kept playing it!!)

Since we had the long drive home, nurse Alison was comfortable letting us go around 10:30.  Dr. Morris doesn't require bed rest, but she said to take it easy if I could.  I really appreciated having a nurse caring for us who had been through this herself and was shared that with us.  We signed our papers and were on our merry little way.

We stopped in Merriville for a little comfort food at Cracker Barrel.  Once we finally made it home, I migrated to the bed with the iPad, my Pretty Little Liars book, and three kitties.

I've taken off this week and next to be able to rest and avoid extra germs.  I'm really so thankful that I have a job where I miss it if I'm out!  (Although it would be different to have a job where you just called in sick and didn't have to get ready for a sub!)  I've gotten pictures of my munchkins, messages from parents, and reports from my staff because they know I worry.  Kitty and I have settled into the couch for most of the day.  Today, we watched some professional development webinars.  I'm taking it easy like a good girl, but I miss my kiddos!  Rocked my blue shirt and blue light today for Autism Awareness, too.  (Joe even rocked a blue shirt for work.)
Now, we just wait.  Our first pregnancy test is on Monday so there's nothing else to do between now and then.  Big Bang Theory, Friends, and Sex and the City provide my comic relief during the day.  Tonight, we switch to the progesterone injections.  It's going to be more uncomfortable, but it's much more affordable than the other progesterone.  We can use prayers as we start injections twice daily!  Pray that it's not too painful and that I don't say mean things to Joe while he does it.
I'm looking forward to church on Saturday.  I watched last weekend's service online.  We have been doing the Transformed series and it has been so relevant and great at this time in life.  I listened to the sermon "From Stressed to Blessed" twice in 24 hours last weekend.
Pray that our little embryos have implanted (at least one) and are settling in so we will have a healthy baby...or babies in nine months.  The anticipation of "the test" is huge and I try not to think about it.  What will be the longest wait is from the time of blood draw to results on Monday.  Just pray for peace as we wait and comfort with the test results.  If the first test result is positive, we continue the progesterone and repeat the blood test.  Updates will come on that later!
Again, words just can't express how thankful we are for the love and prayers!  Keep 'em coming please!!
Love,
Sarah & Joe