That's all that I've come up with so far after staring at the computer for thirty minutes. One of my friends who continues to encourage me introduced me to the song, "Held," after the miscarriage after our first IVF. It still holds true. Alright, I'm going to start back at Monday. Bear with me if I'm even more random than normal, a little ADD, emotion, and grief may equal no real sequence.
We set out Monday morning for Dr. Morris once again. Anxiety and emotion were flying high and we managed to get there an hour early. (I really wasn't speeding that much on the way up!) Since we were just there for a blood test, it was a super quick trip and they got us in. I think the day of the pregnancy test may be the scariest part of the whole IVF process. I can handle the injections and procedures, but the waiting can make you bonkers! Our game plan was just to head straight home after the blood draw. We made the occasional potty stops of course and finally ate lunch in Anderson. That's progress from our first IVF when we couldn't go anywhere in public while we were waiting. As we got closer to home, "God Gave Me You," came on K-Love and I experienced breakdown #1 of the day. It's so fitting, we have been through way too many ups and downs and Joe continues to be my rock and helps me stay somewhat sane.
They had told us the nurse would call when the results came back, but that it wouldn't be until late afternoon. Can we just say the clock was moving even slower?! As I was unlocking the door to home, the phone rang. It was negative, my HCG was only 3.2. Anything under 5 is considered negative and they don't retest. I'm not sure devastated would be the word, there just aren't any words to explain it. I was so sure that this was going to be our time, we had been blessed with this IVF cycle, it just seemed like a healthy baby was going to be the picture perfect way to wrap up the story. Nope, nothing, not even a glimmer of hope. Everything is pretty blurry after that except for Joe holding me while I sobbed and reassuring me that we did everything that we were supposed to. There was guilt after the miscarriage and there was guilt after finding out our embryos didn't stick. I think it's human nature to rethink every move you made or any thing you did...if only there was an answer for why. Granted, I had listened to the sermon about avoiding the "what if" scenarios of life but in this situation there was no way to avoid it.
The thing about infertility is it can be a vicious cycle or roller coaster. Things seem to fall into place, go smoothly, and you're filled with hope that this is going to be the cycle that leads you to a healthy baby. I'm pretty sure we had the most prayed for embryos to date. I was holding out hope, and then the harsh reality of a phone call shattered it once again.
Since I've blogged and updated pretty much a play by play for this cycle, I knew I needed to let our family and friends know the results weren't what we wanted. We would need different prayers now, prayers of peace and comfort as we grieve. I really hope everyone knows how much the love and prayers have really gotten us through this and will continue to get us through. I'm also super thankful for Pastor Glenn at church who provides encouragement, support, and prayers. (I started going to Union Chapel with mom to save her gas driving to Marion, and I'm so thankful to be there!!)
What's next on our journey? Who knows! It's time to step back and just enjoy each other. I've already taken advantage of some positives- real coffee, real diet coke, a glass of wine, and my ADD medicine! You have to count the small blessings when your heart has been broken. I'm super excited for a motorcycle ride with my handsome husband very soon. Monday I will return to my munchkins and just tell them I was sick but missed them. Hugs from some of my favorite little people will be good for the soul! Some days I do get frustrated, I've been called to be a teacher and love children. Not being able to have our own can be a bigger burden at times, but at the same time I'm blessed to have so many little people to love on while we wait for our blessing!
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We faced a loss and need to go through the grieving process. We will continue to support and share about the Cade Foundation. They have helped us attempt two IVF cycles to start a family and we are so thankful. We continue to receive love and support from them. National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up, so it will be another chance to share our story and speak out about infertility. It's such an exhausting, intimate, and emotional disease to overcome. While there are times I'm sure I overshare, I just want others to see and know that they aren't alone. I cannot fathom the hot mess I would be without an amazing husband, strong faith, and a huge support system! It breaks my heart to think of others who face infertility alone.
This showed up in my timeline on Facebook, just a perfect reminder for me! We will share and update as we have anything to share. Just know we are feeling the love and prayers and greatly appreciate them!
Love,
Sarah and Joe
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| Really going to work on this one! |
Hopefully it comes to you with time....I see its been longer than expected but god knows when is rhe right time just keep faith and he will answer. ....hope your family and friends are enough to help through the hard times and there to share the good. ....god bless
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